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Random Monday Afternoon

Yesterday was a pretty good day, Completly off the cuff and un planned. One of my closest friends has had an awful lot going on, but as usual she is owning the situation and soldiering on! The lady is a machine! No task is to tough for this little cookie.

We’ve not seen much of each other recently as both of us have been dealing with our own shit, but just so she knows she isn’t forgotten about, I sent her a bunch of flowers yesterday, why? Because she’s a trooper and flowers make her smile, Especially sun flowers! They turned up just as she was leaving to pick me up, I didn’t mention when we spoke what I had done so it surprised her!

I have got so much gratitude for this girl, how she’s helped me on my road to recovery has been better then any Dr. They don’t teach ya how to deal with a less abled body. Scary to think that we met in a huge ass dance music event ten years ago we were both able bodied and didn’t have a clue what was In store.

But anyway messaged and asked if I wanted to do something I had no plans, she picked me up in her new whip! A sexy black A series! Btcc shape as well just needs the body kit. Very nice car! She is Chuffed to nuts with it, and so she should be!, At this point in time she deserves something good. For everything she has endured in life, Life owes her some goodness and easy times big style!

We went to a local shopping centre and looked round for a few bits which we couldn’t find, stopped and had lunch in coast to coast, was really nice I’m just gutted I could not eat more as my eating habits are terrible at the moment.

It was just a relaxed nice afternoon, was nice to catch up and talk about life, I don’t think we were quiet for five minutes, the waitress took three attempts taking our order. 😁 But it was nice putting the world to rights with her.

Its days and moments like this that make you feel blessed to have a friendship like this with such a diamond of a human being! If I would have been asked who would be in my circle of friends ten years later when I was 21. She wouldn’t have even been in the line up! crazy how things pan out and its one of the realest friendships I have. No bullshit!

Its afternoons like that which make life worth living, when you can just switch of from day to day qualms and just switch off. When you find a friend you can do that with you it definetly proves that you are doing well!

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Little tasks big achievements

So after a few weeks of feeling like shit I’m starting to feel slightly better, doing little tasks such as washing the car, or tidying the house has given me a slight boost in my mood. It’s just that sense of feeling that you get when you know something is done.

The weight of uni has been lifted for a brief moment, as I still have some exams and assignments to redo but I am in the process of writing up a revision and work plan. To give me some structure so I am not fumbling around “with nothing to do”

Although one thing I have found since being back at my folks house is that if white goods like tumble dryer and washing machine would be better if they were arranged differently. The ones in the laundremat at lackham are a top load washing machine and a high mounted tumble dryer. This makes life a lot easier for me as I do not have to bend over to load or unload. This has caused me a slight bit of pain at home the past few weeks, but I’m adapting.

I washed dad’s car this morning, so I had done something, got a slight little bit of tidying to do and then pick Mum and Dad up from the airport this evening as they are due home from bali.

One thing I’ve noticed is that when I’m low I tend to have goto music which I listen to, Scroobius pip is one of the main artists I will listen and also Sage Francis. Both spoken word artists with lyrics that I can relate to.

You will see me by scroobius pip is such a powerful track. Turning negativity into positivity. As I said in my last post only I can change my situation.

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A better day

So today has been a better day then yesterday. I went up to uni to do some revision and now I’ve come home and I am. Chilling out as uni is finished for few weeks. I have retakes of modules to do though as a summer retrieval so will still have work to do.

I was that pissed off yesterday about not being able to do things and being low. I decided to clean the car. Wasn’t to easy and I couldn’t reach everywhere but it was cleaner. I haven’t attempted this since way before my accident.

Ive been so focused on the things that can not do and I am blind to the things I can or at least attempt. Don’t get me wrong it has caused more pain today but I’ve got to time to rest now. So it will give my back time heal, the 4 hours of driving each day hasn’t been the most comfertable of things but needed to be done.

The revision sessions have been pretty beneficial and actually starting to understand the maths more now. I cannot thank my tutor enough he has ran the second symester pretty much single handedly, absolute legend. There is only five of us who have been attending revision and it’s the same faces that attend race days. Got told that us turning up. Myself driving from Southampton and Emi driving from Poole, the others are local.

I’m pretty gutted that my workshop lecturer who is also the team principle for the formula fords we run retires tomorrow. Absolute smashing guy, one of the old school Breed. Has the ethics of “make it work and then do the bullshit later”. He would always refer to using “fag packet” drawings when designing components. It would have been nice to spend a day in the workshop with him tomorrow but I cannot drive it three days in a row.

The past couple of months have been a bit manic to say the least, putting to much pressure on myself and making myself “ill” in other words a miserable grumpy shit with no optimism. Writing these blogs and re reading them later make me think that I need to find a way to stop feeling the way I do. It’s pretty hard to try and occupy yourself when everything that gives me a sense of enjoyment involves activities that will cause me no end of pain.

Having this relapse really has made feel so bad about myself. I’m in no way wanting to hurt myself or do any damage. I guess I am just craving a new life over the current one. I am the only one who can change that though, the blogs have helped me realise this. It makes me feel so weak but I have already “climbed mountains” the amount of times that I have had to climb out of a depression hole. It’s not fun feeling low, it is exhausting. I now need to keep myself busy over the summer so I don’t fall down again.

Getting results of some of my assignments today gave me a lift. If only they were not late in, I would have achieved second to first material which I was chuffed with and understanding this math has lifted a weight too. I have been panicking about that aswell recently.

I have had no motivation as I burned myself out at the end of this academic year. University is certainly a roller-coaster 🎢 of emotions! But I’ve made almost made it through the first year. Considering I knew fuck all about certain aspects of the sport. Its little achievements like this are what make me feel a little better about my self. Its been nice to be around people and out of the house. I am missing living in chippenham already.

Fingers crossed that things are on the turn now and stop feeling so shitty about myself. I kind of feel like the narrator at times with my own personal Tyler durden and a certain quote from the film I’ve adapted “I need to drag myself through this kicking and screaming, and in the end I will thank myself” instead of Tyler saying to the narrator “I will drag you through this kicking and screaming and in the end you thank me”.

I guess in the times that I feel so shitty I feel like I need a helping hand to guide me back on course.

Like a very good friend said to me once “you’ve made it through every bad time leading up to this and I will make it through the next ones to come”.

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Gutted

Been excited for race day for a few weeks now. The weather has been looking good, would have been a nice day at the track if…… 🤔 I wasn’t up all night with back pain. There is no way that I’m gonna be able to drive there and back.

Never mind hopefully there should be more races in the future. The thing I am most gutted about it is missing our last race with Haydn, my lecturer for the workshop and god with race cars. He’s retiring a year early because his employers are dicks. Such a shame really.

I hate days when pain gets in the way. Just got to not let it get me down. I’m just gonna try and keep myself busy today. So I don’t get wound up that I am not there.

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Cooking

I fucking love to cook. I’m a fussy enough eater as it is so when I do cook something. It has to be something that I’m gonna enjoy.

During a low I don’t eat much unless I have the munchies. In a way its a good thing because it means that I am going to eat something. I have been living off of take away the past ten days or so. But I actually done an online shop for the first time so I have food in the house. At first I was thinking about just having sausage chips and beans, but then I remember I have got some veggies in like sweet potato parsnip carrot cabbage etc so I’m thinking of doing a medley of roast vegetables and cabbage. Hmmm decisions. One thing I don’t like about cooking is cooking for one as there is always too much left over that I won’t eat reheated.

I’m gonna cook a cake tomorrow chocolate and white chocolate because it sounds pretty good. I might just save the veg and have sausage chips and beans it will cooked a lot quicker and I have a roast tomorrow……. 🤔 Choices choice choices.

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Weight lifted

After feeling so shitty for so long m, I think I need to follow a friends advice…… 🤔

“STOP BEING SO HARD ON MYSELF”

I am my own worse critic. I end up feeling like the worst person in the world. Hopefully my situation will change but I cannot force that to happen so I shouldn’t let it bother me. As it is out of my control.

I have just handed in my final piece of work required for university. Now I need to tidy up everything else. House is a bit of a tip since returning from my halls.

Need to sort out everything I have accumulated since September. It may even help cheer me up at the moment. I hate feeling low so much. Its a horrible feeling!

Just need to keep myself busy, I’m even finding it hard to want to play the Xbox at the moment. Used to be able to disappear for weeks when playing games. Now it just feels a bit meh.

Im actually craving to be outdoors at the moment. I’ve got a race day on Monday and weekly revision lessons at castle combe which gets me out for a bit. It’s the times I’m stuck indoors I feel shitty. I have not even seen deadpool 2 yet due to uni stuff.

I’m gonna take some time over the summer to relax, find things to do. I’ve got a decent camera now so might try and do something with that. It’s just frustrating that I can not go for a long walk like I used to be able to.

I’ve got to stop feeling so defeated by pain. It’s not the easiest thing but it’s the only thing I can do otherwise my ailments are going to get the better of me.

Trying my best to think positively and post something that isn’t as miserable as my last posts

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Uni work, health and feeling like shit!

Well I’m absolutely fucked pressure is getting to me. I’m not in best of moods and I’ve got two assignments due at midnight which are not going to be in.

I have been working my ass off recently trying to get caught up on assignments and just literally seem to have crashed and burned. I collapsed pretty much as I stood up earlier. Probably due to the fact I’m running on coffee and nicotine. Not really had a proper meals in a few days as have not had time to eat. If I have its been junk food.

The week started off well Monday was race day which I attended and just done photography stuff as my back was playing me up and we only had one car running with lots of extra hands.

Still none the less it was a good day apart from our race being cut short by an on track accident.

Our driver leading a trio of competitors.

Monday fucked me up good and proper been suffering with pain since then. Extra meds through out the day have been needed. No diazpam though as I do not have any. woohoo

I’ve been at uni every day since even though I have been in horrific amounts of pain. I’ve got a science exam on Tuesday and assignments that need to be done so had to go in.

I have literally spent every waking hour infront of computer screens. Drawing items in Solidworks or typing up assignments. I used to mock friends with office jobs but that shit is tiring.

I didn’t plan to sleep last night and work right through I even took a 100mg of sertraline hoping it would work like a hit of speed like it has done in the past. It didn’t. It put me in a shitty mood where I vented in a blog I deleted for its negativity because of how I was feeling.

It didn’t keep me awake it put me to sleep. I woke around 10 this morning and got straight on with assignments. I am week behind as I had some struggles recently.

I feel like I am putting myself through a lot of pressure lately. Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. It’s like I’m tumbling back down the heights that I have climbed. I am physically and mentally “FUBAR” at the moment. Absolutely knackered!

I don’t know what I want to do with myself, carrying on working and making myself ill or taking a night off. I’ve chosen the latter. Hence writing this. It means that I will get capped at 40% but at this moment IDGAF. To be blunt. Doing this degree isn’t feeling like it’s improving anything in my life. I thought things would be different and my life would. Improve. When really I’m in the same unwanted boat as I have always been. I just would like a chance at some happiness. Not too much to ask really is it.

I may aswell give up on the idea of being able to meet someone and start a family because its never going to happen. Least I can not project my misery on anyone else that way. Trying to do the right thing in life get you no where it seems. It just leaves you lonely and unwanted by anyone. It’s been so long since I’ve had a cuddle let alone a relationship. I just seem to be that piece of shit nobody wants. I really feel at times like I do not want to be here!

What’s the point I’m 31 have no one. Everyone around me has someone and are loved up with children and houses yet I’m just left in the unwanted pile. So I do not really see the point in my life. It’s worthless just like me.

Life’s no fun when you are alone 24/7 365 days a year. Nothing is special, not having anyone to share your day with. In all fairness I rarely get asked how I am, there are a couple of friends who do, but they have their own life’s so I can not expect them to be there all the time.

Enough of droning on now. I just hope something good happens in my life one day and maybe I’ll get some happiness. Pretty fucking Doubtful.