#degree, #engineering, #exam, #fail, #fuckmylife, #home, #maths, #motorsport, #universityofbath, Achieving, Aiminghigh, Career, chronic pain, Disability, Goals, Pain, Uncategorized, University

Friday Night Stress

If somebody tells you that university life is a breeze, they are lying through their teeth or they are Stephen Hawking clever. It is Friday night and I am cooked! 2 assignments handed in today one unfinished. It has really made me feel shitty. Studying whilst on pain medication is a tiny bit tricky at times. Everything takes twice as long to do especially when flare-ups mean you have to extra dose.

After March was the Easter holidays, two weeks off from university a perfect time to get ahead on assignments. Seeing as I had an extra one to complete as I had an extension due to the series of unfortunate events in March, studying took a backseat for a couple of weeks.

Well, the muppet writing this made a decision to stop taking pregabalin as well as not using diazepam, Home I using different medicines that I cannot in halls. Gives me a nice break but when the pain gets paid I have to use prescription medicines. Side effects are not always great, but it eases the pain. Prime Catch 22 situation! Damned if I do. Damned if I Don’t.

In comes 10 days of pure feeling like shit, but I was coming off the tablets I couldn’t really achieve much in those ten days, plus I was worried about my dad and a bit upset about Nan so things were about amplified in feeling. This left me with 3 days to do a major assignment. I do not think I done my worst but it could have been better.

This had a knock on effect, I had planned to use the two weeks to get a head start on work, I even bought a desk to sit at. I did not get this done which left an assignment last week which was very CAD heavy, very time-consuming.

I managed to get it finished with minutes to spare, then I started these weeks two assignments, I did not sleep until 0800 the Saturday morning and slept until 1500ish, waste of day before I had even started, being tired I slept early that night. Sunday I was doing assignments and watched Southampton getting kicked out of the F.A cup.

Sunday Night I was sick after eating some chicken got sent home from the university within five minutes of being there. Not helpful when you have assignments on the subject due and an exam coming up.  I tried to do assignments that day did not get a lot done but some. Drive back to Southampton that evening as it was my Gramps birthday on Tuesday and I have a promise to keep.

Made that promise on Tuesday, done some coursework and slept. Went to uni early on Wednesday, very helpful and informative lectures for revision in science. Come back to Lackham and continued to work until 2344. That was me done, there was nothing else I could have done in time. Handed in my Science assignment and downed tools. Like I mentioned before I am done at this moment in time.

I feel so shitty about not getting my assignment finished, I am going to have to spend tomorrow finishing it. I want to finish it I was enjoying it, It should have been done in easter holidays though. I feel like a failure for it, also that I have let myself down.

I just need to have a positive outlook, I am just burned out at the moment. Stressed to the max I just to need to chill and do something different for a little bit. At this moment I could walk away from this course, but I’m not going to. I need this degree, I have just got to work even harder for it. Next year will be different, this year has definitely been a learning curve for me. A very sharp kick in the nuts one might say. It will all be satisfying in the end when I have a career again and am not reliant on painkillers.

I’m getting off the computer now, I need to not look at this poxy screen for a while.

#alone, #care, #caring, #death, #degree, #engineering, #exam, #friends, #gonetoheaven, #Hero, #home, #motorsport, #notgoodenough, #notneeded, #pain, Achieving, Aiminghigh, Career, chronic pain, Disability, Pain, Uncategorized

It has been a while

well not written for a while had a few things going in my life the past few weeks. mainly university work, the passing of a loved one, withdrawal side effects and a heck of a lot of pain.

When I last posted on 17/03/2018 my Nanny Pauline had been moved to the Countess Mountbatten Hospice. For what that place has to deal with, the staff are amazing. My Nan received the best care she could have possibly had.

Up till the 20th March I went and sat with Nan for a while each day, On my birthday She woke up and wished me happy birthday and gave me a hug and kiss. I sat with her most of the afternoon that day. That was the last time I saw her. She passed away on the 22nd, Exactly two years to the day after “her johnny” passed away.

The last two days I couldn’t go and visit, it battered me emotionally seeing her like that and I did not want to ruin the last memory I had of her. I made sure she was as comfortable as possible when I visited. She was surrounded by my Dad and mum and My aunties side of the family.

I returned to university on monday after and came back on Thursday as we broke up for Easter. I came home and the next ten days were very low for me. I was exhausted emotionally and physically in a lot of pain. It wasn’t probably the best time do it but I took myself off of pregabalin and diazepam.

I suffered the effects of withdrawal as well as being in a lot of pain in my lower back. It wasn’t a good time for me, I felt numb and not very sociable but I tried my best to be there for Dad. The evening my Nan passed my dad come upstairs to tell me and looked at me and said: “I am an orphan now”.

My poor Dad, I had never seen him like that before. My heart sank and I gave him a big hug, Tried to hold back the tears so I could be strong for Dad. It was not very easy.

The first week of the holidays I had no willpower or mental capacity to do any university work. It was a struggle but I threw myself into Playing Farcry 5 on the Xbox to keep myself busy. It worked.

The next week came and on Wednesday 12th we had Nan’s funeral, the number of people that showed up shows she was a loved lady. Dad was so brave reading a poem for Nan and he was the last one to say goodbye which he said is a memory that he will treasure.

As the house got emptied dad had acquired some bits and pieces and amongst them were a photo album that my Dad’s dad had sent to him whilst he was stationed in Cyprus and also all the little bits and pieces that Nan had saved since Dad was born. It made him shed a tear when looking through them all as he did not know that Nan had saved all these bits.

I managed to raise nearly £300 for Countess Mountbatten Hospice fundraiser that was on facebook for my birthday which made me feel good inside. Birthdays do not really mean anything to me now like they do to other people. I am always on my own so do not have a partner to make things special for me. One day maybe it will happen but in all fairness. I know I am going to be alone for the rest of my life as I am not up to standards for anyone to date me.

I managed to get my case study finished, It wasn’t the easiest of tasks but I did it. Just got persevere with this university course and hopefully, I will be able to have a career again some day.

I have to return back to university tomorrow after over two weeks off, I have got assignments due in every Friday as well as exams coming up in May and August. I think for the rest of the day I am going to be spending it doing my Manufacturing assignment and drawing different designs for pedals using Solidworks.

I visited one of my best friends on Friday evening who is in the same position of my Dad. I really feel for her and her parents at the moment it cannot be easy. She gave me my birthday card and present which meant so much to me as she had made me a custom card and got me some amazing prints of transformers. She is so thoughtful even at this troublesome time.

Even though we do not see each other face to face very often she is still one of the closest people to me. She knows most things about and has helped me out so much these past few years. She is absolute diamond and always caring no matter how rough the seas in her life are.

I have been suffering so much lately with pain that I have upped my dosage of tapentadol to 3 x 200-250mg a day. It takes the sharpness away but the pain is still there and stops me from being as active as I would like.

Fingers crossed that I will get called up for my operation soon and hopefully will work as I have already missed the first race and testing of the season due to the pain I have been in.

#degree, #engineering, #exam, #fail, #maths, #motorsport, #universityofbath

Taste of Failure

So today I was given a short swift kick in the nuts!

The results of my maths exams came online and I didn’t get the result I was hoping for I scored 29 out of 100 on my open book exam and then only 9/100 on my closed book exam.

But, I was not the only one who failed the majority of the first year students failed to. We were thrown in at the deep end and the maths tutoring wasn’t good enough, we had such a short amount of time to learn the topics which were not easy. As a group, we were stung hard.

I am hoping that there will be a resit in June/July time as if there is not it means having to only do maths as a subject in September and will not be able to start the second year. which will mean 2 hours of lessons for 3 months and not being able to progress until the following September.

I really feel like I have let myself down by not passing this exam and my assignment I do not even know what my score was as a previous lecturer uploaded a different file and I could not upload my assignment. I have been asking for it to be fixed for a couple of weeks now.

This has really made me feel quite upset about it all. it is making me wonder if I should even bother on this course now. Which is a shame as I am really enjoying the subjects.

What does not help matters is that I could not go into lectures today as I have been in a lot of pain in the spine and the medication I was awake most of last night due to it.  I did, however, get something to sweeten the mood.

Out of boredom I put £40 onto an online fruit machine and won £1089 this kind balances out the bad news with the good.

I have notes to catch up on today’s lectures so I do not fall behind with workloads. I have assignments due in throughout March so my aim is to get them finished long before them as I now really only have 4 weeks until the first one is due.

Although I failed miserably in maths I am determined to get decent marks on my future projects. This course has been a dream come true I do just hope that I can get it finished in time!

What I would do to be able to smoke a joint right now.

#motorsport, Uncategorized

Cars and Motorsport in my life

Ever since I was brought a Burago model of a Jaguar XJ220 coming home from Germany after visiting in the 6 weeks holiday 1994 my eyes were opened to the world of cars. From that day on my collection of model sportscars grew as Dad would bring me one home every time he had a break from work.

I was taken go karting a few times growing up but was too expensive to do as a hobby so the closest thing I got to race was on the Playstation or Xbox.

My love of cars led me to train to be a mechanic but on heavy diesel vehicles rather than cars. One of the perks of my apprenticeship was that being in Southampton docks we covered the roll on roll off cargo ships.  My first day on the job I was driving tuned Japanese vehicles it was great!

There would also be the occasional supercar and decks full of rally cars. I got a written warning for “joyriding” past a director in an Ac Cobra.

Sundays would be spent watching motorsport on the television either up my late Grandad’s house or on a black and white portable at work. Be it formula one or touring cars or even Moto GP (silly 2 wheeled crotch rockets).

At the fresh age of 17 I passed my test and bought my first car for £75 it was a 1.0 litre 4 speed Renault 5 with very skinny wheels. I owned it for all of 14 hours before I wrapped it around a lamp post. Inexperience was the was the reason this happened I thought I was the great Stirling Moss. Clearly, I wasn’t.

Having my license gave me freedom! I started meeting with friends in car parks and we started going on drives and to car meets.  Eventually illegal street racing meetings it was all good fun. It was then that I wanted to start modifying my car.

I purchased a mk6 1.4 ford which came with some lowering springs. Being young and naive I fitted them to the car not realising how much it would set the vehicle out of balance. I binned it on a corner in a brick wall after doing a couple of 360-degree spins. The imprint of the wheel is still on that wall today. Lesson well and truly learned.

After that I got my first big boys car that went fast it was MK5 XR3i Cabriolet. it looked like a skip on wheels but was fun to drive until the engine seized. After a period in some boring cars, I ended up owning a Nissan 200sx first and only turbo car I have owned shame I damaged my knee 3 days after buying. But I still managed to learn how to go sideways in it.

From the age of 20 to 30, I stuck to rear wheel drive cars in the form of BMWs. I learned how to really drive in these cars. although I stayed clear of modifying them.

Anyhow, I was still watching racing on the television and was offered a pair of tickets to go to the Goodwood Revival meeting and that really influenced me. Seeing vintage cars going around the great Goodwood circuit. The smell of the fuel in the air and the fact that everything was period. Only Vehicles made before 1972 were allowed to compete, sleeping beasts from way back when roared into life and were being driven like they would have been.

From that moment on I made it a priority to go racing! I was fortunate to be working with a man called Jim Robertson, He worked for formula one teams in the 70’s, he raced minis and other vehicles, travelled the world with formula one circus. He gave me some sound advice regarding motorsport and that was :

  1. Be in the right place at the right time
  2. Do not be afraid to ask questions because if you do not ask you not get and in the motorsport world that goes miles.
  3. If you are clever enough you do not need to pay to watch motorsport.
  4. It’s always about who you know.

With number 3 I have only paid to watch formula 1, you have to be very special to get into those events for free.

Some time went past and some friends and I started doing indoor kart racing and was looking at getting an outdoors kart between us but I ended up going away to work and had my accident which stopped everything to a halt.

I ended up in a state of depression and Jim would invite me racing as his guest being that he was a manager and photographer for many different events. This helped me out an awful lot as it would get me out of the house and back into the environment.

The three years out of work were really giving me troubles I couldn’t do my craft I felt useless. I told Jim this and with that, he was dragging me to Castle Combe to talk about doing a degree. I was given an interview and started in September 2017.

Even though I’m only a few months into the course it has given me a new life with new career goals and being able to feel my worth again. Just studying at a racing circuit makes you want to get up in the mornings. I have learned so many things about how vehicles work in the short time I have been here.

All I need to do now is to be able to get my degree and then get work with a racing team or manufacturer of vehicles. It’s a long road ahead but I have the opportunity to shape my destiny again and still hopefully be able to travel and work at the same time.