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It has been a while

well not written for a while had a few things going in my life the past few weeks. mainly university work, the passing of a loved one, withdrawal side effects and a heck of a lot of pain.

When I last posted on 17/03/2018 my Nanny Pauline had been moved to the Countess Mountbatten Hospice. For what that place has to deal with, the staff are amazing. My Nan received the best care she could have possibly had.

Up till the 20th March I went and sat with Nan for a while each day, On my birthday She woke up and wished me happy birthday and gave me a hug and kiss. I sat with her most of the afternoon that day. That was the last time I saw her. She passed away on the 22nd, Exactly two years to the day after “her johnny” passed away.

The last two days I couldn’t go and visit, it battered me emotionally seeing her like that and I did not want to ruin the last memory I had of her. I made sure she was as comfortable as possible when I visited. She was surrounded by my Dad and mum and My aunties side of the family.

I returned to university on monday after and came back on Thursday as we broke up for Easter. I came home and the next ten days were very low for me. I was exhausted emotionally and physically in a lot of pain. It wasn’t probably the best time do it but I took myself off of pregabalin and diazepam.

I suffered the effects of withdrawal as well as being in a lot of pain in my lower back. It wasn’t a good time for me, I felt numb and not very sociable but I tried my best to be there for Dad. The evening my Nan passed my dad come upstairs to tell me and looked at me and said: “I am an orphan now”.

My poor Dad, I had never seen him like that before. My heart sank and I gave him a big hug, Tried to hold back the tears so I could be strong for Dad. It was not very easy.

The first week of the holidays I had no willpower or mental capacity to do any university work. It was a struggle but I threw myself into Playing Farcry 5 on the Xbox to keep myself busy. It worked.

The next week came and on Wednesday 12th we had Nan’s funeral, the number of people that showed up shows she was a loved lady. Dad was so brave reading a poem for Nan and he was the last one to say goodbye which he said is a memory that he will treasure.

As the house got emptied dad had acquired some bits and pieces and amongst them were a photo album that my Dad’s dad had sent to him whilst he was stationed in Cyprus and also all the little bits and pieces that Nan had saved since Dad was born. It made him shed a tear when looking through them all as he did not know that Nan had saved all these bits.

I managed to raise nearly £300 for Countess Mountbatten Hospice fundraiser that was on facebook for my birthday which made me feel good inside. Birthdays do not really mean anything to me now like they do to other people. I am always on my own so do not have a partner to make things special for me. One day maybe it will happen but in all fairness. I know I am going to be alone for the rest of my life as I am not up to standards for anyone to date me.

I managed to get my case study finished, It wasn’t the easiest of tasks but I did it. Just got persevere with this university course and hopefully, I will be able to have a career again some day.

I have to return back to university tomorrow after over two weeks off, I have got assignments due in every Friday as well as exams coming up in May and August. I think for the rest of the day I am going to be spending it doing my Manufacturing assignment and drawing different designs for pedals using Solidworks.

I visited one of my best friends on Friday evening who is in the same position of my Dad. I really feel for her and her parents at the moment it cannot be easy. She gave me my birthday card and present which meant so much to me as she had made me a custom card and got me some amazing prints of transformers. She is so thoughtful even at this troublesome time.

Even though we do not see each other face to face very often she is still one of the closest people to me. She knows most things about and has helped me out so much these past few years. She is absolute diamond and always caring no matter how rough the seas in her life are.

I have been suffering so much lately with pain that I have upped my dosage of tapentadol to 3 x 200-250mg a day. It takes the sharpness away but the pain is still there and stops me from being as active as I would like.

Fingers crossed that I will get called up for my operation soon and hopefully will work as I have already missed the first race and testing of the season due to the pain I have been in.

#Budgie, #featheredfriend, #flyhigh, #gonetoheaven, Uncategorized

Fly High Blue My Bestest Feathered Friend

I received a phone call from my Dad, unfortunately, it was bad news. My mum’s budgie called Blue suffered a stroke yesterday and had to be put down today. I am not going to lie but it has left me slightly heartbroken.

Growing up we never really had any pets and it has hit me really hard. I was his best mate he would go mental when he could hear my door open in my room or coming through the front door and wouldn’t be quiet till I had said hello to him and made a fuss. (I am trying to hold back the tears as I write this)

I taught him how to whistle and say hello boy or cheeky boy if I was playing Xbox in the front room he could come and sit on my hand and bash the controller with his beak. Even if heard my voice on the phone I mum would have to put it on loudspeaker so he could hear me say hello to him.

I used to put my hand inside of his cage and he would sit on my finger ringing his bell, or we would play a sort of tennis knocking the bell to each other. He was such a dippy bird but so well behaved. He would never try and escape the front room door either and would make a commotion until it was closed. Bless him.

He didn’t like bath time and was quite a timid bird. it would take him a few weeks before he would get used to new objects in his cage. Mum or I would put an old curtain over his cage at night and he knew it was bed time. he would hop onto his perch and say “good night”.

In the mornings mum had about half hour of being up before she would uncover him and you could hear him whispering “good morning” or “hello boy what you doing”. (my eyes are fully leaking now). I tried to teach him how to make R2D2 noises and he was getting there.

I used to love how we used to play games with his bells in the cage he knew what to do and would get it tangled in his toys so you had to get them untangled and he would do it again.

He would also do this thing where he would jump perch to perch setting off every bell that he would be doing little spins along the way like he was showing off. he could get his foot up and kick the bell like a kid with a football does.

It took me a long time to gain his confidence to stroke him on the belly but I got there, in the end, his feathers were always so soft and he was always so warm. I used to have to chase him around the cage to clean him with a spray bottle. (god I am full on blubbing now).

I never thought I would have the relationship with a budgie like a man does with a dog. But he lived a good life he was always happy. You could see it in his cheeks and beak that he was smiling.

I remember one night I was sleeping on the sofa and had my alarm set and he slept out of the cage on a light and you should have seen him jump when the alarm went off the poor little guy.

One of his favourite places to sit in the front room was on my Gramps’s photo which he would do kisses on with his beak. Then he would dive bomb my mum and try to land on her head or start picking at her kindle case with his beak.

It has truly broken my heart losing him I just wish he could have held on a week longer or I had gone home at the weekend. But I cannot help these factors so no point kicking myself over them. I spoke to him on the phone Saturday as he was making a commotion when he heard it was me. So I feel blessed in a way.

I really loved that budgie. Could not have asked for a better budgie.

Fly high Blue, I will see you again in a few years time. He is probably sat up there right now on my Gramps’ finger watching over with my Gamps saying to him what a soft sod I am.