Blog

Uncategorized

Weight lifted

After feeling so shitty for so long m, I think I need to follow a friends advice…… ūü§Ē

“STOP BEING SO HARD ON MYSELF”

I am my own worse critic. I end up feeling like the worst person in the world. Hopefully my situation will change but I cannot force that to happen so I shouldn’t let it bother me. As it is out of my control.

I have just handed in my final piece of work required for university. Now I need to tidy up everything else. House is a bit of a tip since returning from my halls.

Need to sort out everything I have accumulated since September. It may even help cheer me up at the moment. I hate feeling low so much. Its a horrible feeling!

Just need to keep myself busy, I’m even finding it hard to want to play the Xbox at the moment. Used to be able to disappear for weeks when playing games. Now it just feels a bit meh.

Im actually craving to be outdoors at the moment. I’ve got a race day on Monday and weekly revision lessons at castle combe which gets me out for a bit. It’s the times I’m stuck indoors I feel shitty. I have not even seen deadpool 2 yet due to uni stuff.

I’m gonna take some time over the summer to relax, find things to do. I’ve got a decent camera now so might try and do something with that. It’s just frustrating that I can not go for a long walk like I used to be able to.

I’ve got to stop feeling so defeated by pain. It’s not the easiest thing but it’s the only thing I can do otherwise my ailments are going to get the better of me.

Trying my best to think positively and post something that isn’t as miserable as my last posts

Uncategorized

Uni work, health and feeling like shit!

Well I’m absolutely fucked pressure is getting to me. I’m not in best of moods and I’ve got two assignments due at midnight which are not going to be in.

I have been working my ass off recently trying to get caught up on assignments and just literally seem to have crashed and burned. I collapsed pretty much as I stood up earlier. Probably due to the fact I’m running on coffee and nicotine. Not really had a proper meals in a few days as have not had time to eat. If I have its been junk food.

The week started off well Monday was race day which I attended and just done photography stuff as my back was playing me up and we only had one car running with lots of extra hands.

Still none the less it was a good day apart from our race being cut short by an on track accident.

Our driver leading a trio of competitors.

Monday fucked me up good and proper been suffering with pain since then. Extra meds through out the day have been needed. No diazpam though as I do not have any. woohoo

I’ve been at uni every day since even though I have been in horrific amounts of pain. I’ve got a science exam on Tuesday and assignments that need to be done so had to go in.

I have literally spent every waking hour infront of computer screens. Drawing items in Solidworks or typing up assignments. I used to mock friends with office jobs but that shit is tiring.

I didn’t plan to sleep last night and work right through I even took a 100mg of sertraline hoping it would work like a hit of speed like it has done in the past. It didn’t. It put me in a shitty mood where I vented in a blog I deleted for its negativity because of how I was feeling.

It didn’t keep me awake it put me to sleep. I woke around 10 this morning and got straight on with assignments. I am week behind as I had some struggles recently.

I feel like I am putting myself through a lot of pressure lately. Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. It’s like I’m tumbling back down the heights that I have climbed. I am physically and mentally “FUBAR” at the moment. Absolutely knackered!

I don’t know what I want to do with myself, carrying on working and making myself ill or taking a night off. I’ve chosen the latter. Hence writing this. It means that I will get capped at 40% but at this moment IDGAF. To be blunt. Doing this degree isn’t feeling like it’s improving anything in my life. I thought things would be different and my life would. Improve. When really I’m in the same unwanted boat as I have always been. I just would like a chance at some happiness. Not too much to ask really is it.

I may aswell give up on the idea of being able to meet someone and start a family because its never going to happen. Least I can not project my misery on anyone else that way. Trying to do the right thing in life get you no where it seems. It just leaves you lonely and unwanted by anyone. It’s been so long since I’ve had a cuddle let alone a relationship. I just seem to be that piece of shit nobody wants. I really feel at times like I do not want to be here!

What’s the point I’m 31 have no one. Everyone around me has someone and are loved up with children and houses yet I’m just left in the unwanted pile. So I do not really see the point in my life. It’s worthless just like me.

Life’s no fun when you are alone 24/7 365 days a year. Nothing is special, not having anyone to share your day with. In all fairness I rarely get asked how I am, there are a couple of friends who do, but they have their own life’s so I can not expect them to be there all the time.

Enough of droning on now. I just hope something good happens in my life one day and maybe I’ll get some happiness. Pretty fucking Doubtful.

#degree, #engineering, #exam, #fail, #fuckmylife, #home, #maths, #motorsport, #universityofbath, Achieving, Aiminghigh, Career, chronic pain, Disability, Goals, Pain, Uncategorized, University

Friday Night Stress

If somebody tells you that university life is a breeze, they are lying through their teeth or they are Stephen Hawking clever. It is Friday night and I am cooked! 2 assignments handed in today one unfinished. It has really made me feel shitty. Studying whilst on pain medication is a tiny bit tricky at times. Everything takes twice as long to do especially when flare-ups mean you have to extra dose.

After March was the Easter holidays, two weeks off from university a perfect time to get ahead on assignments. Seeing as I had an extra one to complete as I had an extension due to the series of unfortunate events in March, studying took a backseat for a couple of weeks.

Well, the muppet writing this made a decision to stop taking pregabalin as well as not using diazepam, Home I using different medicines that I cannot in halls. Gives me a nice break but when the pain gets paid I have to use prescription medicines. Side effects¬†are not always great, but it eases the pain. Prime Catch 22 situation! Damned if I do. Damned if I Don’t.

In comes 10 days of pure feeling like shit, but I was coming off the tablets I couldn’t really achieve much in those ten days, plus I was worried about my dad and a bit upset about Nan so things were about amplified in feeling. This left me with 3 days to do a major assignment. I do not think I done my worst but it could have been better.

This had a knock on effect, I had planned to use the two weeks to get a head start on work, I even bought a desk to sit at. I did not get this done which left an assignment last week which was very CAD heavy, very time-consuming.

I managed to get it finished with minutes to spare, then I started these weeks two assignments, I did not sleep until 0800 the Saturday morning and slept until 1500ish, waste of day before I had even started, being tired I slept early that night. Sunday I was doing assignments and watched Southampton getting kicked out of the F.A cup.

Sunday Night I was sick after eating some chicken got sent home from the university within five minutes of being there. Not helpful when you have assignments on the subject due and an exam coming up.  I tried to do assignments that day did not get a lot done but some. Drive back to Southampton that evening as it was my Gramps birthday on Tuesday and I have a promise to keep.

Made that promise on Tuesday, done some coursework and slept. Went to uni early on Wednesday, very helpful and informative lectures for revision in science. Come back to Lackham and continued to work until 2344. That was me done, there was nothing else I could have done in time. Handed in my Science assignment and downed tools. Like I mentioned before I am done at this moment in time.

I feel so shitty about not getting my assignment finished, I am going to have to spend tomorrow finishing it. I want to finish it I was enjoying it, It should have been done in easter holidays though. I feel like a failure for it, also that I have let myself down.

I just need to have a positive outlook, I am just burned out at the moment. Stressed to the max I just to need to chill and do something different for a little bit. At this moment I could walk away from this course, but I’m not going to. I need this degree, I have just got to work even harder for it. Next year will be different, this year has definitely been a learning curve for me. A very sharp kick in the nuts one might say. It will all be satisfying in the end when I have a career again and am not reliant on painkillers.

I’m getting off the computer now, I need to not look at this poxy screen for a while.

Uncategorized

That faithless song about not sleeping

So for past few months I’ve been suffering from a slight bit of insomnia. It’s the worst feeling in the world when all you want to do is goto sleep.

Ever since my accident where my back got fucked up my whole routine has been turned upside down.

My working days went as followed:

  • Wake up 0500
  • Leave for work 0530
  • Work till Tea break at 1000
  • Work up till lunch
  • Lunch is anywhere from 1200 to 1400
  • Work through till 1800
  • Get home shower, food and bed by 2300

This was repeated daily or every day I was working. After the accident I had three years of doing nothing due to being in pain. Like I still am now.

I would stay up for two days at least once a week. I was put on amitriptaline which was great I would get a garenteed eight hour sleep.

Then my tolerance levels rose and it became. Less efficient so my dosage was upped and now I’m on 75mg every night. It helps but it’s not great.

Since starting university my pain levels have raised to what they are and getting comfertable to sleep isn’t easy at times.

Days that assignments are due in I usually end up working till the hand in time. Friday just gone I finished my assignment and went to bed. But I didn’t sleep till 0800 sat morning. This has messed up my sleeping pattern now.

I need to get decent sleep or otherwise I’m shagged for the next few days. Complete fatigue takes over.

I put myself into bed and my brain goes into overdrive. Thoughts about others pass through my mind especially when I am worried about them because of things out if their control.

I have also been worrying alot. My deadlines and exams are creeping closer day by day which is quite a scary thought that I finish uni for the year.

I find that if I’m smoking cannabis I can get a good night’s sleep as it relaxes the body and helps switch off the thinking process. Being at university this is not possible.

I have been worrying about my car because I can not stand the thought of it braking down like it did last week.

I also critically put myself down trying to work out answers to questions that are always looming.

  • Why am I single?
  • Why can I not get a date?
  • Will I ever become a father and start a family?
  • Why am I not good enough to even get a message back on dating sites?
  • Will my spinal pain ever stop?
  • Will I work again?
  • What is wrong with me for nobody to want me?
  • I wish I had someone close to help stopping me feel lonely.
  • Why does life feel like a constant struggle?

This is just an insight to some of my thoughts. It would be so nice just to switch off and goto sleep.

I pine for the life I used to have, fun things happened, I could go out and not get blind drunk because of the medication I need to take.

#alone, #care, #caring, #death, #degree, #engineering, #exam, #friends, #gonetoheaven, #Hero, #home, #motorsport, #notgoodenough, #notneeded, #pain, Achieving, Aiminghigh, Career, chronic pain, Disability, Pain, Uncategorized

It has been a while

well not written for a while had a few things going in my life the past few weeks. mainly university work, the passing of a loved one, withdrawal side effects and a heck of a lot of pain.

When I last posted on 17/03/2018 my Nanny Pauline had been moved to the Countess Mountbatten Hospice. For what that place has to deal with, the staff are amazing. My Nan received the best care she could have possibly had.

Up till the 20th March I went and sat with Nan for a while each day, On my birthday She woke up and wished me happy birthday and gave me a hug and kiss. I sat with her most of the afternoon that day. That was the last time I saw her. She passed away on the 22nd, Exactly two years to the day after “her johnny” passed away.

The last two days I couldn’t go and visit, it battered me emotionally seeing her like that and I did not want to ruin the last memory I had of her. I made sure she was as comfortable as possible when I visited. She was surrounded by my Dad and mum and My aunties side of the family.

I returned to university on monday after and came back on Thursday as we broke up for Easter. I came home and the next ten days were very low for me. I was exhausted emotionally and physically in a lot of pain. It wasn’t probably the best time do it but I took myself off of pregabalin and diazepam.

I suffered the effects of withdrawal as well as being in a lot of pain in my lower back. It wasn’t a good time for me, I felt numb and not very sociable but I tried my best to be there for Dad. The evening my Nan passed my dad come upstairs to tell me and looked at me and said: “I am an orphan now”.

My poor Dad, I had never seen him like that before. My heart sank and I gave him a big hug, Tried to hold back the tears so I could be strong for Dad. It was not very easy.

The first week of the holidays I had no willpower or mental capacity to do any university work. It was a struggle but I threw myself into Playing Farcry 5 on the Xbox to keep myself busy. It worked.

The next week came and on Wednesday 12th we had Nan’s funeral, the number of people that showed up shows she was a loved lady. Dad was so brave reading a poem for Nan and he was the last one to say goodbye which he said is a memory that he will treasure.

As the house got emptied dad had acquired some bits and pieces and amongst them were a photo album that my Dad’s dad had sent to him whilst he was stationed in Cyprus and also all the little bits and pieces that Nan had saved since Dad was born. It made him shed a tear when looking through them all as he did not know that Nan had saved all these bits.

I managed to raise nearly £300 for Countess Mountbatten Hospice fundraiser that was on facebook for my birthday which made me feel good inside. Birthdays do not really mean anything to me now like they do to other people. I am always on my own so do not have a partner to make things special for me. One day maybe it will happen but in all fairness. I know I am going to be alone for the rest of my life as I am not up to standards for anyone to date me.

I managed to get my case study finished, It wasn’t the easiest of tasks but I did it. Just got persevere with this university course and hopefully, I will be able to have a career again some day.

I have to return back to university tomorrow after over two weeks off, I have got assignments due in every Friday as well as exams coming up in May and August. I think for the rest of the day I am going to be spending it doing my Manufacturing assignment and drawing different designs for pedals using Solidworks.

I visited one of my best friends on Friday evening who is in the same position of my Dad. I really feel for her and her parents at the moment it cannot be easy. She gave me my birthday card and present which meant so much to me as she had made me a custom card and got me some amazing prints of transformers. She is so thoughtful even at this troublesome time.

Even though we do not see each other face to face very often she is still one of the closest people to me. She knows most things about and has helped me out so much these past few years. She is absolute diamond and always caring no matter how rough the seas in her life are.

I have been suffering so much lately with pain that I have upped my dosage of tapentadol to 3 x 200-250mg a day. It takes the sharpness away but the pain is still there and stops me from being as active as I would like.

Fingers crossed that I will get called up for my operation soon and hopefully will work as I have already missed the first race and testing of the season due to the pain I have been in.

Uncategorized

Cancer

This is a subject that’s become a variable instead of an unknown in my life. The past few years this horrible condition has made its way into my life. Not affecting my body but family and friends family.

Unbeknown to me growing up my Gramps had bowel cancer and had it removed. I didn’t find this out till long after he had passed away. That was my mums dad. Emphysema tended to be what my Gramps and his sisters had suffered with.

Almost 18months ago my dad’s mum my nanny Pauline got diagnosed with cancer of the liver. Being that she’s is nearly 90, chemo and radio wasn’t really an option as it would have sped up her process of life too much.

She has been battling on so hard recently but now she is getting tired and is in a lot of pain. It’s not nice to see.

She had a fall a few weeks ago and smashed her hip and was kept in Southampton General hospital. Things went down hill from there. Last weekend we had a scare but at the moment she is still here with us.

She has been moved to a local hospice now and is getting much better care. In Sgh she was left with out fresh bedding for three days and now has sores which are causing her a lot of discomfort.

My sister being the hero in sgh that she is managed to talk to the ward sister and get my nan some better care. This is when the decision to goto countess Mount batten house was made.

Lots of friends relatives and family have been through here. So now I have a slight understanding of what they have been through. One of my friends dad lost his fight over ten years ago.

My mums best friend lost her fight to breast cancer as long as I’ve had my driving license and that is thirteen years this year.

My Auntie Pam lost her fight here aswell. But this place is an absolute godsend. The amount that the staff do to go out of their way to make sure the patient is comfertable.

In morbidity of it all the place is lovely. Its one of the few places that have restored my faith in humanity. Everything is donated here. Newspapers, flowers and food amongst things.

Tesco donate flowers to the hospice. So many that the nurses and staff encourage you to take a bunch home. The tea room isn’t like any normal hospital, it is open and you can make yourself a brew anytime of the day. Unlike a hospital aswell visiting hours are all day pretty much.

It was my first time visiting the hospice yesterday as I have been away at university, it really shocked me at how high the level of care is there.

About a week ago Facebook reminded me that it was my 31st birthday and why dont I start a fundraiser for a charity of my choice.

Normally I would have asked for donations for great ormand street children’s hospital. This time I chose differently. Even before there was talk of my nan going to CMH I decided to raise money for there as I had how well they had looked after friends and family, those passed and living. So far I have raised ¬£115 from generous donaters on facebook.

Being the age I am, birthdays do not really mean alot to me it’s just another day. If I need anything I tend to buy it myself. Unless it’s a transformers mousemat or chocolate dinosaur eggs that a very good friend of mine got me recently.

I am pleased that I have managed to raise this amount so far. As other charities tend to run as a business rather then a charity. I am aiming to raise £200 now.

Seeing my nan suffering the way she has been the past few days and last weekend hasn’t been the easiest of things. I have to stay strong though for my dad most of all.

The past few times I’ve seen my nan all I’ve been able to do is comfort her by rubbing her hand or arm or just brushing her hair with my hand. It leaves me speechless and I do not know what to talk about. So I just do the best I can to comfort her. She’s so tired now and she deserves to rest peacefully. She’s just so stubborn bless her.

Growing up there has been tension between the family but I’m not even going into that. It’s no compensation for time missed growing up but if I can help an old lady feel comfort and love in her final days then I will do my best to help achieve that.

In a day and age where this should be treatable with out chemo or radio therapy. Certain governments and laws prohibit the use cannabis. Which has been getting more and more research put into it.

I just wish for my Nan to not be in any pain no more and also to know that she is loved. My Gramps passed away by himself in hospital and my mum kicks herself for going home that night and that he was alone. I don’t think he was though. I think the nurse was with him and he was ready to rest. He didn’t like anyone knowing he was ill let alone that happening.

I’m about to head up the hospital for a few hours to see my Nan before the snow comes in.

Uncategorized

Status update

Not blogged for a while now had quite a bit going on. Firstly pain is getting the better of me at the moment and limiting what I can do.

I have had to walk out of lectures because I couldn’t sit there. I’ve had my medication upped whilst trying to come off one that I don’t think is working.

Sooner the spinal cord stimulator is fitted the better. But I am struggling on as much as I can.

The snow that we had was nice it meant I was stuck at lackham for the weekend but it looked amazing

I made sure to put food out for the birds I could watch from my window whilst doing my assignment.

Also got a bollacking for “joy riding” where I stay for playing in the snow in my car. But it was worth it. There is rumours that was are supposed to get some more this weekend.

Uni has been going alright, my assignments are getting better and a lot easier to write. I sat in on a board meeting with Bath uni on Wednesday that seemed to have gone well and was good for character building.

I’ve been back wards and forwards between Southampton and lackham recently due to my nan being ill. I will write another blog about that soon, as it deserves its own blog.

Although I feel like I should have more to say in this one I really don’t have much at the moment. It’s strange I have quite a bit going on but finding it hard to write about.