So today has been a better day then yesterday. I went up to uni to do some revision and now I’ve come home and I am. Chilling out as uni is finished for few weeks. I have retakes of modules to do though as a summer retrieval so will still have work to do.
I was that pissed off yesterday about not being able to do things and being low. I decided to clean the car. Wasn’t to easy and I couldn’t reach everywhere but it was cleaner. I haven’t attempted this since way before my accident.
Ive been so focused on the things that can not do and I am blind to the things I can or at least attempt. Don’t get me wrong it has caused more pain today but I’ve got to time to rest now. So it will give my back time heal, the 4 hours of driving each day hasn’t been the most comfertable of things but needed to be done.
The revision sessions have been pretty beneficial and actually starting to understand the maths more now. I cannot thank my tutor enough he has ran the second symester pretty much single handedly, absolute legend. There is only five of us who have been attending revision and it’s the same faces that attend race days. Got told that us turning up. Myself driving from Southampton and Emi driving from Poole, the others are local.
I’m pretty gutted that my workshop lecturer who is also the team principle for the formula fords we run retires tomorrow. Absolute smashing guy, one of the old school Breed. Has the ethics of “make it work and then do the bullshit later”. He would always refer to using “fag packet” drawings when designing components. It would have been nice to spend a day in the workshop with him tomorrow but I cannot drive it three days in a row.
The past couple of months have been a bit manic to say the least, putting to much pressure on myself and making myself “ill” in other words a miserable grumpy shit with no optimism. Writing these blogs and re reading them later make me think that I need to find a way to stop feeling the way I do. It’s pretty hard to try and occupy yourself when everything that gives me a sense of enjoyment involves activities that will cause me no end of pain.
Having this relapse really has made feel so bad about myself. I’m in no way wanting to hurt myself or do any damage. I guess I am just craving a new life over the current one. I am the only one who can change that though, the blogs have helped me realise this. It makes me feel so weak but I have already “climbed mountains” the amount of times that I have had to climb out of a depression hole. It’s not fun feeling low, it is exhausting. I now need to keep myself busy over the summer so I don’t fall down again.
Getting results of some of my assignments today gave me a lift. If only they were not late in, I would have achieved second to first material which I was chuffed with and understanding this math has lifted a weight too. I have been panicking about that aswell recently.
I have had no motivation as I burned myself out at the end of this academic year. University is certainly a roller-coaster 🎢 of emotions! But I’ve made almost made it through the first year. Considering I knew fuck all about certain aspects of the sport. Its little achievements like this are what make me feel a little better about my self. Its been nice to be around people and out of the house. I am missing living in chippenham already.
Fingers crossed that things are on the turn now and stop feeling so shitty about myself. I kind of feel like the narrator at times with my own personal Tyler durden and a certain quote from the film I’ve adapted “I need to drag myself through this kicking and screaming, and in the end I will thank myself” instead of Tyler saying to the narrator “I will drag you through this kicking and screaming and in the end you thank me”.
I guess in the times that I feel so shitty I feel like I need a helping hand to guide me back on course.
Like a very good friend said to me once “you’ve made it through every bad time leading up to this and I will make it through the next ones to come”.