Well I’m absolutely fucked pressure is getting to me. I’m not in best of moods and I’ve got two assignments due at midnight which are not going to be in.
I have been working my ass off recently trying to get caught up on assignments and just literally seem to have crashed and burned. I collapsed pretty much as I stood up earlier. Probably due to the fact I’m running on coffee and nicotine. Not really had a proper meals in a few days as have not had time to eat. If I have its been junk food.
The week started off well Monday was race day which I attended and just done photography stuff as my back was playing me up and we only had one car running with lots of extra hands.
Still none the less it was a good day apart from our race being cut short by an on track accident.
Our driver leading a trio of competitors.
Monday fucked me up good and proper been suffering with pain since then. Extra meds through out the day have been needed. No diazpam though as I do not have any. woohoo
I’ve been at uni every day since even though I have been in horrific amounts of pain. I’ve got a science exam on Tuesday and assignments that need to be done so had to go in.
I have literally spent every waking hour infront of computer screens. Drawing items in Solidworks or typing up assignments. I used to mock friends with office jobs but that shit is tiring.
I didn’t plan to sleep last night and work right through I even took a 100mg of sertraline hoping it would work like a hit of speed like it has done in the past. It didn’t. It put me in a shitty mood where I vented in a blog I deleted for its negativity because of how I was feeling.
It didn’t keep me awake it put me to sleep. I woke around 10 this morning and got straight on with assignments. I am week behind as I had some struggles recently.
I feel like I am putting myself through a lot of pressure lately. Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. It’s like I’m tumbling back down the heights that I have climbed. I am physically and mentally “FUBAR” at the moment. Absolutely knackered!
I don’t know what I want to do with myself, carrying on working and making myself ill or taking a night off. I’ve chosen the latter. Hence writing this. It means that I will get capped at 40% but at this moment IDGAF. To be blunt. Doing this degree isn’t feeling like it’s improving anything in my life. I thought things would be different and my life would. Improve. When really I’m in the same unwanted boat as I have always been. I just would like a chance at some happiness. Not too much to ask really is it.
I may aswell give up on the idea of being able to meet someone and start a family because its never going to happen. Least I can not project my misery on anyone else that way. Trying to do the right thing in life get you no where it seems. It just leaves you lonely and unwanted by anyone. It’s been so long since I’ve had a cuddle let alone a relationship. I just seem to be that piece of shit nobody wants. I really feel at times like I do not want to be here!
What’s the point I’m 31 have no one. Everyone around me has someone and are loved up with children and houses yet I’m just left in the unwanted pile. So I do not really see the point in my life. It’s worthless just like me.
Life’s no fun when you are alone 24/7 365 days a year. Nothing is special, not having anyone to share your day with. In all fairness I rarely get asked how I am, there are a couple of friends who do, but they have their own life’s so I can not expect them to be there all the time.
Enough of droning on now. I just hope something good happens in my life one day and maybe I’ll get some happiness. Pretty fucking Doubtful.