This is a subject that’s become a variable instead of an unknown in my life. The past few years this horrible condition has made its way into my life. Not affecting my body but family and friends family.

Unbeknown to me growing up my Gramps had bowel cancer and had it removed. I didn’t find this out till long after he had passed away. That was my mums dad. Emphysema tended to be what my Gramps and his sisters had suffered with.

Almost 18months ago my dad’s mum my nanny Pauline got diagnosed with cancer of the liver. Being that she’s is nearly 90, chemo and radio wasn’t really an option as it would have sped up her process of life too much.

She has been battling on so hard recently but now she is getting tired and is in a lot of pain. It’s not nice to see.

She had a fall a few weeks ago and smashed her hip and was kept in Southampton General hospital. Things went down hill from there. Last weekend we had a scare but at the moment she is still here with us.

She has been moved to a local hospice now and is getting much better care. In Sgh she was left with out fresh bedding for three days and now has sores which are causing her a lot of discomfort.

My sister being the hero in sgh that she is managed to talk to the ward sister and get my nan some better care. This is when the decision to goto countess Mount batten house was made.

Lots of friends relatives and family have been through here. So now I have a slight understanding of what they have been through. One of my friends dad lost his fight over ten years ago.

My mums best friend lost her fight to breast cancer as long as I’ve had my driving license and that is thirteen years this year.

My Auntie Pam lost her fight here aswell. But this place is an absolute godsend. The amount that the staff do to go out of their way to make sure the patient is comfertable.

In morbidity of it all the place is lovely. Its one of the few places that have restored my faith in humanity. Everything is donated here. Newspapers, flowers and food amongst things.

Tesco donate flowers to the hospice. So many that the nurses and staff encourage you to take a bunch home. The tea room isn’t like any normal hospital, it is open and you can make yourself a brew anytime of the day. Unlike a hospital aswell visiting hours are all day pretty much.

It was my first time visiting the hospice yesterday as I have been away at university, it really shocked me at how high the level of care is there.

About a week ago Facebook reminded me that it was my 31st birthday and why dont I start a fundraiser for a charity of my choice.

Normally I would have asked for donations for great ormand street children’s hospital. This time I chose differently. Even before there was talk of my nan going to CMH I decided to raise money for there as I had how well they had looked after friends and family, those passed and living. So far I have raised £115 from generous donaters on facebook.

Being the age I am, birthdays do not really mean alot to me it’s just another day. If I need anything I tend to buy it myself. Unless it’s a transformers mousemat or chocolate dinosaur eggs that a very good friend of mine got me recently.

I am pleased that I have managed to raise this amount so far. As other charities tend to run as a business rather then a charity. I am aiming to raise £200 now.

Seeing my nan suffering the way she has been the past few days and last weekend hasn’t been the easiest of things. I have to stay strong though for my dad most of all.

The past few times I’ve seen my nan all I’ve been able to do is comfort her by rubbing her hand or arm or just brushing her hair with my hand. It leaves me speechless and I do not know what to talk about. So I just do the best I can to comfort her. She’s so tired now and she deserves to rest peacefully. She’s just so stubborn bless her.

Growing up there has been tension between the family but I’m not even going into that. It’s no compensation for time missed growing up but if I can help an old lady feel comfort and love in her final days then I will do my best to help achieve that.

In a day and age where this should be treatable with out chemo or radio therapy. Certain governments and laws prohibit the use cannabis. Which has been getting more and more research put into it.

I just wish for my Nan to not be in any pain no more and also to know that she is loved. My Gramps passed away by himself in hospital and my mum kicks herself for going home that night and that he was alone. I don’t think he was though. I think the nurse was with him and he was ready to rest. He didn’t like anyone knowing he was ill let alone that happening.

I’m about to head up the hospital for a few hours to see my Nan before the snow comes in.

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